23rd June – Quarry House
Jeremy (Ex-Chairman) Waud
Jeremy (Haasy Baby) Williamson (Chairman)
John (Dosser) French (Scribbler)
David (Doc) Watson
Steve (Chopper) Waud
Howard (Fat Git) Gooden
Roy (Mateus) Rose
Paul (Shining Bollocks) Shinerock
Simon (Kaffir) Ford
Alan (won’t be long darling) Buttifant
Charles (37 different ways to shank) Waud
Myles (Smiler) Waud
Jo (Pussy Galore) Shinerock (not normally allowed but required for crowd control)
No apologies for absence received – No apologies for being present were received either
1. Meeting commenced at 11.50 p.m. in the marquee. Haas proclaimed himself as Chairman (NOT ‘Chair’), much to the chagrin of the ex-chairman who, for once, found himself out of the limelight.
2. The upstart Charlie Waud then had the temerity to interrupt the Chairman during his reading of the 2005 minutes, by proclaiming that he was stuck in a 70s time warp, evidenced by the shirt he was wearing.
3. The ex-chairman tried to defend Haas’ honour but was shouted down; on the basis that anyone wearing slippers at a committee meeting cannot be taken seriously.
4. The aforementioned upstart then tried to invite his various ‘chums’ into the meeting; the chorus of “f*** off” was in perfect harmony, with the exception of one attendee who said it would be nice to have a few young boys around (£100 gets the name revealed).
5. Finally the minutes reading was completed and they were adopted unanimously (assuming that “what a load of bollocks” is the same as a yes vote).
6. Kaffir then arrived late, became instantly mouthy and dropped his trousers. As nobody noticed, he did it again, then after the third exposure, decided to call it a day and wandered out of the meeting.
7. It was commented on that prize-winners from last years had not returned trophies. Unfortunately, because nobody owned up to winning anything and nobody else could remember who had won, no further action could be taken. The chairman, in threatening mood, did issue a warning however; “you know who you are, I will turn all the lights out and if they are returned when the lights come back on, we’ll say no more about it”. This action was taken and when the lights came back on, Haas’ watch was missing.
8. Kaffir reappeared and Fat Git commented that he was always late for everything. “Shut the f*** up” was the erudite response, uttered however some time after the initial comment had been made.
9. Kaffir said he would like to play with Shinerock (it was assumed he meant golf). Shiners wasn’t so keen on the idea and said he would prefer to be stuck with Rosie again. At this point Rosie brightened up as he saw the easy money of a side bet looming on the horizon.
10. It was suggested that Shinerock be given a Mulligan on every hole. This offer was refused by Shiners with the comment that he doesn’t need any Mulligans as he had just got a ‘Mullet’ (???). Much laughter ensued but not because of Shiner’s feeble comedic attempts but because Chopper was observed sleeping with the contents of a glass of wine slowly dribbling down his front. Attempts to revive Chopper were met with various grunts, groans and other indescribable noises.
11. At this point, multiple pussies descended on the meeting. Because they were ladies, they were not told to “f*** off”; they were instead kindly asked to “f*** off please”. At this juncture, Mrs Buttifant made a number of sexist remarks of a derogatory nature to the male gender. Mr B was asked to “sort it out”. He escorted her from the marquee, returning shortly with a cut lip, black eye and cracked rib.
12. JCW then offered to remove all obstructive pussy prior to presenting the proposals for the 2007 25th anniversary, otherwise there would be uproar when it was realised that we were going as far away from civilisation and shopping opportunities as possible.
13. It was announced that we would be playing the prestigious links at Hunstanton and Brancaster. “Where the f*** is that?” was the overwhelming response. Once it was explained that you had to drive through the sea to get to the courses, it was impossible to contain the enthusiasm of all present.
14. Mid September was suggested as a likely date and a hostelry called The Hoste Arms proposed as a watering and sleeping hole. “how much?” asked Doc; “around £800 per head replied the ex-chairman; “bollocks to that” was the reply; “how about £350 then” said JCW; “that’s better” said Doc and the deal was closed. The assembled throng sat open-mouthed in amazement having witnessed one of the all time greatest bouts of negotiation.
15. It was proposed that 2008 would see a return to the Classic’s spiritual home; Royal Ashdown Forest. The club had expressed deep concerns at losing the Classic’s patronage and the ex-chairman was delighted when the resolution was carried and was looking forward to contacting them and giving them the good news.
16. 2007 tour shirts were proposed. Rosie said he could get the shirts and Doc offered to design the logo (so that will be short shirts with a loud design then!). Fat Git asked about colours and pink, green, blue and yellow were suggested. It was not clarified whether the shirts would be in one or all of these colours.
17. Young Charlie, who had been inconspicuous since the earlier rejection of his mates, then proposed a winner’s jacket, not realising that, unlike the ties, it would be difficult to produce a ‘one size fits all’ version.
18. A taxi then arrived for Haas who, in true democratic style, announced that there would be no other business and called the meeting closed.
This document is presented as a true and accurate representation of the matters discussed at the Waud Classic 2006 Committee Meeting.
H. Williamson – Chairman
J. French – Secretary