When: 1st July
Location: Waud Towers
Jeremy (Ex-Chairman) Waud (Ex-chairman – yet again voted himself in the chair)
John (Dosser) French (Scribbler)
Jeremy (Haas) Williamson
David (Doc) Watson
Graham (Dietician) Atkins
Roger (Silver Fox) Holden
Duncan (McWillie) McWilliams
Steve (Dangler) Wright
Roy (Mateus) Rose
Paul (Tiger) Shinerock
Simon (Kaffir) Ford
Graham (Perkos) Perkins
Simon (New Boy) Chapman
Graham (Yardie Boy) Yardley
Adrian (Goldbollocks) Goldsmith
Alan (I’ll be right there dear) Buttifant
Plus; various “children” (e.g. young Wauds, Perkos, Farleys and others) Possibly others present but obviously made absolutely no contribution to the proceedings.
No apologies for absence received (probably because just about everyone was at the meeting)
1. Meeting commenced at 12.15 a.m. (so actually 2nd July) in the marquee. An EGM was immediately called to decide whether or not children should be allowed to participate in the AGM. The children in question were asked to leave during this discussion but ignored the request. Murmurs were heard from some who had been acting as bar stewards who, it seems, were still waiting for the £1.50 wages they had been promised. It was finally agreed that, if they were “old enough to play, they were old enough to stay”.
2. Rosey and Atkins had broken several glasses during the evening. This was seen as wanton vandalism. Atkins was asked how he pleaded; “not guilty” replied the lying bugger. It was suggested that hospital drinking vessels would be provided for the clumsy old duffers next year.
3. A suggestion was made from the floor that Captain Beaky wear a nose protector next year as it was glowing like a beacon after a day in the sun.
4. The ex-chairman accused Dangler of being a balding old coot. No defence was forthcoming as the accused was sleeping peacefully at the time.
5. A winner’s jacket was proposed (by two time winner, Rosey) but it was unanimously agreed that this should not be chosen by the Chairman, as it would certainly be unbelievably bad taste. A jacket in the classic (Waud Classic?) style was suggested.
6. The Chairman would not shut up and spoke continual bollocks (hence not recorded), despite threats of decapitation from Kaffir and a variety of snoring noises from most others present.
7. The secretary’s wife stormed in and defences were erected. She only came to grab another three bottles of that saucy little white number and meekly melted back into the entertainment room.
8. The Chairman then launched a scathing attack on the choice of several members’ footwear. This including observations on Kaffir’s African bush boots, Perkins natty little loafers and Frenchy’s very stylish Timberlands. Such an outburst was pretty surprising, coming from someone wearing a pair of Ken Clarke, brown suede, cast-offs at the time.
9. Haas proposed that Greensomes is not played in the morning again and we revert to the tradition of afternoon foursomes, as he likes to get to know the intricacies of his partner’s game before pairing with him in critical competition. For some inexplicable reason, the majority of the assembled company agreed with him. The Chairman (as usual) said he would reflect on the situation and make a binding decision.
10. It was unanimously agreed that prizes should not be thrown in to the bushes; or certainly not whilst still on the prize giving podium. McWillie hung his head in shame and agreed not to win any more prizes.
11. It was agreed that players must turn up on time. Lateness is not only the height of bad manners but is also a slap in the face to the tournament management, who strive so hard to achieve the organisational excellence we have come to expect. Excuses like “I’ve been up since 4 and had to drive down from York” will not be tolerated and future miscreants will be forced to play with themselves.
12. Dangler complained that he did not get a bacon roll. The Chairman emphasised that, with 12 rolls and 36 players, only the fittest would succeed. Proclaiming that Dangler was a lazy fcuk-er, he rested his case. All others present confirmed that the bacon rolls had been of excellent quality, which had the effect of making Dangler feel much better.
13. New member Simon Chapman made various contributions of the moaning variety. These included falling in a pile of fox shit, taking 4½ hours to complete a round (too quick eh?) and not being allowed to play with Shinerock first time out. The committee agreed that there was just no pleasing some people.
14. An anonymous request was made for Yardie to drop his pants, this being an age old Waud Classic tradition. A vote was taken, which resulted in 1 for, 12 against and 3 fainted. Consequently, the blushes of the still present, but terribly bored, children were spared.
15. Perkos was abusive to Haas (how dare he) and was ordered that, henceforth, he must address the member in question as “Mr Haas”.
16. A 2006 partner for Shiners had to be found. As the only member present not to be hiding under a table at this time, Goldenbollocks was elected to the post. This is on the basis that he’s not bringing his pupil, Ernie Els with him; unlikely as the “Big Easy” just doesn’t have the game to threaten the Classic’s tough course set up and monstrously big hitters (missed off the ‘s’). Silver Fox did, in fact, say how much he enjoys having Shiners as a partner, but only after the former decision had been ratified.
17. It was decided that 2006 would again be played on both courses at RAF, with the West Course played off the white tees. Haas objected to this as he had just bought five bags of yellow tees, which he hoped he could use next year. It was also decided that the date would be one week earlier, for reasons not properly understood.
18. Juniors would again be allowed to play. “We were young once”, said Rosey, who was reminded that, when he was that age, golf hadn’t even been invented and you went “down pit” at the age of eleven. The old Yorkshire bastard continued to drift in and out of consciousness and was informed that he only won because he played of a girl’s handicap.
19. The Chairman admitted to cocking up the order for ties, resulting in a lack of availability of a winner’s tie and a poor choice of colours and sizes in the Waud Classic shop.
20. Mrs B popped in to inform Butters that their taxi had arrived and he promised that he wouldn’t be much longer, to which the ever patient Lynne replied “I’ve heard that before”.
21. It was agreed to appoint a sub-committee to oversee arrangements for the 25th anniversary in 2007. This naturally consisted of the self-appointed ex-chairman and Haas, who has confirmed that he will be selecting courses where he can use his yellow tees. Norfolk was suggested as a potential venue and the collective whoops of delight almost lifted the marquee out of its moorings.
22. A point of order was raised because Smiler Waud was seen pissing in the bushes, but no motion was passed.
23. New shirts were agreed for the 2007 tour. These would not be traditional Waud cheesecloth and would not be candidates for the Action Man wardrobe after one wash. Good quality with a “quirky” design was agreed, although concern was voiced over giving the Chairman Carte-blanche to come up with something “quirky”.
24. Mrs B reappeared to inform Butters that the taxi was still there and that the driver was not concerned as he quite enjoyed earning £60 per hour for sitting in his cab listening to the radio.
25. Confirming that this was the most sober meeting it had ever been his misfortune to chair, the Chairman declared the meeting closed at 12.50.
This document is presented as a true and accurate representation of the matters discussed at the Waud Classic 2005 Committee Meeting.
J C Waud – Chairman J A French – Secretary