Portugal Tour 2002
Present: A quantity of Sun & Rain burnt alcoholics masquerading as golfers
Apologies: From those people who cannot even remember which country they were in
Venue: Vivenda Aurora, Algarve, Portugal (late one still dark night in 2002)
Chairman: Waudos (plural of Waudosh on tour)
Minute Taker: Hassos Williamsonos
In my dream the meeting commenced in the usual fashion with the first point of order to declare that the yank was an utter w**ker for coming over and winning our highly prized tournament. It was agreed (unanimously and by a reasonable margin) that he will be made to play off scratch for the next 10 years to ensure his ego is cut down to size. It was also agreed that ‘Tammy’ should send a transcript of his speech from Rocha da Grahierra, as nobody could understand a word he said it was also far too long and slurred, furthermore despite his protestations the committee felt that ‘Septic’ was originally a good nick name even if he didn’t!. Acknowledgement to the Classic marketing team lead by ‘Frenchy’ for dreaming up the connection – Mowtown Mike – Tamila Mowtown – Tamila – hence ‘Tammy’; it’s so obvious when you just lie down get pissed and think about it for ten hours!
The chairman then tried to bring the meeting back to order by announcing that the minutes from last year’s meeting were to be taken as read, as he had forgotten to bring them with him and anyway we may end up staying an extra week. Although those without responsibilities thought this might be a good idea!
At this point there were shouts of “sack him! and get back to Hurstqueerpoint” from the three amigos – Perkos, Fatos Gitos and Silver Foxos. The chairman in his usual eloquent style told them to get stuffed and with dictatorial aplomb said they may not be invited to play in, to quote, “my golf society “again. It was noted that Greenhalgh was both a ‘balding old git’ and lacked the finesse of the preceding fines chairman, ‘his fatness’, who had to leave prematurely on the closing day at Quinta to catch a plane – the same one ‘Goldbollocks’ had left to catch some three hours earlier.(they both made it)
Some complaints were received from the rain soaked residents at Quinta do Lago – one even spotted a drunken man wearing a blue foot cast swinging so wildly, that in addition to loosing his ball out of bounds he almost fell over!
The chairman then proceeded with the first formal item on the agenda, which was the venue and format for the Waud Classic in 2003.
Alan Greenhalgh suddenly woke up and said let’s go to Portugal for the 20th anniversary. It was then pointed out to him that we were already there and that if he kept having these “senior moments” we would have to take action by making him wear the ‘old man’s shoes’ and clubs to match.
At this point “Bigus Dickus” started to talk about his lost wallet and more importantly his prized photograph of the one and only time he broke 100, of course it was pointed out that the crazy golf course at Blackpool doesn’t count as R&A approved.
The Chairman started to get annoyed and said unless there were any sensible suggestions for 2003 he would decide himself, everyone agreed that he would probably do that anyway. Fortunately just before the meeting descended into chaos more madronha arrived rendering a large section of “the lightweights” totally useless which was probably a god send? However Maurice “Sangria” Shinerock was still with us and suggested we all go to Spain, he was immediately fined another 50 Euros which he tried to pay with a credit card as he had now run out of cash and his yellow wizards hat was starting to stain his underwear where nobody wants to go!
Alan Cavell (our most sensible member) then proposed that as we had a really good time and enjoyed each other’s company so much (what did go on at Merta’s villa!!) we should have a two day event. The chairman thought this was an excellent idea and the motion was carried unanimously by those who were still compus mentus. It was also agreed that we would still play at least one day at Royal Ashdown which as Steve “the dangling thinker” Wright pointed out was our spiritual home, there followed the usual shouts of derision and expletives from other members not quite so well educated (Doc for one). Jean “Pussy” Shinerock then threatened to sue her son in law Ben Gordon and “Chopper Waud” for whiplash injuries inflicted at Quinta by careless buggy driving. Chopper pleaded innocence, as there was a brake problem (in that he forgot to use them), he also asked why she was alone in the buggy, ‘Frenchy’ made no comment – he was still in shock.
It was agreed that Rosie had provided sterling work on the uniforms and prizes front and that this level of efficiency and contribution should be recognized – it was – he was fined 25 Euros!
The next item was the date for the next Waud Classic and it was agreed that this should be sometime in June, the only dissenter was ‘Scuffer’ who thought the event should be held in the winter as frosty conditions suited his style of golf. The Chairman then pointed out that the words ‘style’ and ‘golf’ should not be used to describe his game and in fact he was just an ‘old tosser’ living in Portugal.
The meeting was then about to be closed when Sappo (predictable as ever) interrupted complaining that he still had not received his classic winners tie (or plausible sexual advances recently – male or female). This was noted along with the words “f**king tosser next to his name, he was also fined 100 euros and told if it happened again he would end playing the next 5 Classics with ‘scuffer’ and the ‘pussy’, With most of the brethren asleep and in need of some ‘Arias Tinto’ the meeting was adjourned – I think, Your Honor and that was how I came to be where I was found …………etc, etc and onto another year!