Date of Meeting – 14th September 2007
Location – Wine Tasting Suite – The Hoste Arms, Burnham Market
Those present (in no particular order, so don’t get arsey if you’re last on the list;
Jeremy (Ex-Chairman) Waud (Chairman – self appointed)
Jeremy (Wearing a winner’s grin all night) Williamson (Chairman)
John (Dosser) French (Scribbler)
David (Doc) Watson
Steve (Chopper) Waud
Howard (Fat Git) Gooden
Roy (Mateus) Rose – eventually
Charles (Farnsey) Waud
Myles (Smiler) Waud
Graham (this won’t take long darling) Atkins
Dudley (el Presidenti) Stratford-upon-Avon calling
David (Hocus Pocus) Copus
Paul (Simmering Simmo) Simpson
Duncan (Wee Willie) McWilliams
Alan (Slaphead) Greenhalgh
Apologies for absence received – Shiners (got lost en route), all the women (came once, didn’t enjoy it), Austin Powers (better things to do), Perkosh (nothing suitable to wear).
1. Meeting commenced at 11.30 p.m. in the Wine Tasting Suite of the Hoste Arms. The staff had the foresight to remove all the decent bottles before we got there but forgot the corkscrews and ‘waiters’ friends. These were hastily gathered by the ex-chairman for re-branding with the Incentive FM logo, prior to their annual wine tasting event.
2. The ex-chairman appointed himself chairman at which point Haas pointed out that, as the latest winner, he should chair the meeting. As there was no precedent for such action, he was told that it was out of the question and, anyway, an authority figure was required to control such a large gathering. The self election therefore stood (even though by this time he was seated).
3. The meeting had by this time already become intolerably noisy and it was motioned that the chairman had lost all control. Still brooding at the slur on his authority, the aforementioned ‘I should be chairman’ individual then stood and shouted at the top of his voice: ‘Shut the f*** up’, at which point everybody carried on talking.
4. Rosie entered the proceedings at this juncture; fashionably late and wearing a self-satisfied, smug, grin. No amount of interrogation could elicit what he had been doing for the past half hour; alone with 22 sex-starved women in the lounge.
5. It was noted that the self-appointed chairman had fallen asleep and was doing a fine impersonation of a Venus fly trap. Unfortunately nobody present (not even the Hurstpierpoint boys) was willing to test its efficiency by presenting their flies to the gaping abyss. McWillie had also fallen into slumber by this point, although he was not risking the fly catching position, preferring to keep everything tightly closed.
6. The 2006 minutes were read and adopted unanimously, except by Slaphead who proposed not accepting them as they were not a true reflection on what actually happened. Chopper reminded him that he doesn’t even know what happened yesterday so was in no position to comment and should shut the f*** up.
7. Haas felt that it was time for the first ‘who farted?’ question of the meeting. There was no individual admittance so a motion of collective responsibility was passed.
8. Comments were made about the offensive and garish nature of chopper’s blazer and he was asked if he was available for pantomime. As this seemed to be a private ‘thing’ between him and Haas, nobody else took much notice.
9. The atmosphere was becoming stifling and Hocus Pocus offered his services as air-con engineer. Success was short lived as immediately after he got the temperature down, he broke the remote control, thereby causing everybody to freeze.
10. Suggestions for a winner’s blazer were mooted with a proposal for a pink, blue and green stripy design. Rosie said he would not wear pink so a proposal for a totally pink blazer was put forward. Slaphead actually suggested Fuchsia. To spare Rosie’s blushes, this was rejected and a decision was made to design a more appropriate winner’s blazer with a new winner’s tie. Fat Git was appointed chairman of the deign committee with JCW as his assistant. It was expected that these roles would very quickly be reversed.
11. Smiler asked permission to use the toilet. This was unanimously rejected with the recommendation that he learns to exercise more self control of his nether regions.
12. Slaphead got back on his blazer bandwagon by suggesting that we look to Bulgaria as a source of supply. It was not made clear whether he meant the country Bulgaria or that lovable old Womble; Uncle Bulgaria. As it was considered better use of club funds, a trip to investigate the Wimbledon Common tailoring facility was proposed.
13. It was proposed that Royal Ashdown Forest would continue as the Waud Classic venue for the next four years, with the traditional move away on each five year anniversary. This was carried unanimously with the proviso that only pert young waitresses are allocated to Waud Classic tables for luncheon.
14. Suggestions for the 30th anniversary trip were requested. McWillie made an impassioned plea on behalf of Royal Dornoch, reminiscent of William Wallace’s call to arms at Stirling. Other suggestions were Celtic Manor (too tough), Ireland (too wet), Hoylake (too Scouse). Copus suggested France but could not offer anything more specific. Doc proposed a maximum budget of £400. As it was all getting too complex, a 30th anniversary tour committee was elected. This consisted of Dudders, Doc, and (of course) the self-appointed chairman. Their task is to find somewhere for two nights, no more than £400 all in, on courses which won’t stress ageing limbs.
15. It was noted that Atkins was asleep and he was sharply reminded of what a privilege it was to attend these meeting and to buck his ideas up or he would be sent upstairs to where the women were waiting.
16. Any other business was requested. Most suggestions were puerile and not in keeping with the serious business of the evening. They included a trip to Brighton Pitch & Putt from Haas, Fat-Git wanting to play with Shinerock (to make him look good!), also Fat-Git wanting to move up the playing order, at which he was told to get a lower handicap! It was also requested that a shotgun start be introduced. As well as generally slowing things down, this would mean that The Waud Classic would effectively take over the entire course for the whole round, thereby preventing members from playing at that time rather than just frustrating any of the poor buggers who happened to be behind us.
17. The meeting was declared closed at 12.50 and attendees returned to the lounge/bar to mull over some of the more serious issues which had been raised.
This document is presented as a true and accurate representation of the matters discussed at the Waud Classic 2007 Committee Meeting.
J. Waud – Chairman (self-appointed) J. French – Secretary